Things I'm Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts
by bookwormrdd
Summary: rules are made to be beroken


Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

1. I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".  
>2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class<br>3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".  
>4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.<br>5. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.  
>6. I will not go to class skyclad.<br>7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.  
>8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".<br>9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".  
>10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.<br>11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm.  
>12. House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.<br>13. Staring a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.  
>14. I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month."<br>15. "Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.  
>16. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.<br>17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".  
>18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as"bookends".<br>19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".  
>20. I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.<br>21. There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.  
>22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast-to-Coast AM transcripts.<br>23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.  
>24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.<br>25. I do not weigh the same as a Duck_**.**_  
>26. I am not a sloth Animagus.<br>27. I am not a tribble Aimagus.  
>28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or a piranha.<br>29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.  
>30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.<br>31. I do not have a Dalek Patronus.  
>32. I will not lick Trevor.<br>33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.  
>34. The Ravenclaws are not "Mentals in training".<br>35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazghul is coincidental.  
>36. I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween<em><strong>.<strong>_  
>37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.<br>38. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be adressed as "Admiral Naismith".  
>39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" is only funny the first time.<br>40. I will not slip Malfoy a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.  
>41. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.<br>42. "42″ is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.'s.  
>43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.<br>44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.  
>45. I will not offer to prepare tandori owl.<br>46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".  
>47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.<br>48. I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".  
>49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.<br>50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.  
>51. I will not go to meals dressed as Choda Boy.<br>52. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.  
>53. I will not draw an "H" on Percy Weasley's forehead.<br>54. My name is not Captain Subtext.  
>55. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheremones".<br>56. I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.  
>57. I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.<br>58. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.  
>59. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.<br>60. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.  
>61. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I<br>should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the  
>result would be.<br>62. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled "Firewhiskey".  
>63. I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwick's wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.<br>64. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.  
>65. A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.<br>66. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.  
>67. I will stop referring to Hufflepuff's as "cannon fodder".<br>68. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.  
>69. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.<br>70. Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.  
>71. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.<br>72. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I  
>will not lift my wand skyward and shout "There can be only ONE!".<br>73. I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine".  
>74. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.<br>75. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.  
>76. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts.<br>And I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.  
>77. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".<br>78. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".  
>79. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I foresaw her death.<br>80. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.  
>81. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.<br>82. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It Does  
>DEATH!" may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should<br>answer.  
>83. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.<br>84. I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.  
>85. Ravenclaw's do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for and indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.<br>86. I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.  
>87. A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.<br>88. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.  
>89. I will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour.<br>90. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.  
>91. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos".<br>92. When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my  
>hand and announce "These are not the droids you are looking for".<br>93. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.  
>94. The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.<br>95. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.  
>96. I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what<br>happens.  
>97. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts: A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.<br>98. "OMGWTF" is not a spell.  
>99. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.<br>100. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.  
>101. I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.<br>102. I will not cast the occasional Oblivate spell on Dumbledore, even if it would be amusing.  
>103. I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix.<br>104. I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on who will come out alive.  
>105. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they are real animals.<br>106. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.  
>107. I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.<br>108. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.  
>109. I will not douse Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to<br>see if he will become visible wearing it and standing near the fire in  
>the common room.<br>110. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell.  
>111. I will not yell "Believe it… or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches.<br>112. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.  
>113. My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.<br>114. There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation.  
>115. I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.<br>116. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.  
>117. Voldemort is not Ganandorf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.<br>118. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.  
>119. I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas feast.<br>120. I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".  
>121. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sound with my wand.<br>122. "Draco Malfoy Takes it Up The Arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.  
>123. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.<br>124. I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.  
>125. I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor.<br>126. I am not allowed to declare an official Hug A Slytherin Day.  
>127. I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as Tim the Enchanter.<br>128. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.  
>129. I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the Common Room.<br>130. It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF!" every time I Apparate.  
>131. I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.<br>132. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.  
>133. I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".<br>134. A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.  
>135. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.<br>136. I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.  
>137. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.<br>138. I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.  
>139. I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.<br>140. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.  
>141. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.<br>142. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.  
>143. I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.<br>144. The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.  
>145. It is not necessary to yell "Burn!" every time Snape takes points from Gryffindor.<br>146. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce  
>that you are about to perform an experimental spell.<br>147. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!"  
>148. I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.<br>149. I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged  
>him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni" from various directions.<br>150. Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any house points.

151. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

152. Sending rings to the nine senior faculties at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.

153. Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.

154. I must not substitute chocolate-flavoured laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.

155. Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.

156. I am not the wicked witch of the west.

157.I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

158.I will not melt if water is poured over me.

159.-Neither will Professor Umbridge.

160. I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.

161. I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.

162.I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

163. I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.

164. - Especially not all of them at once.

165. I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."

Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.

167.I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter**.**

do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.

169. The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smarts and the Junior Death Eaters.

170. Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.

they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.

172.I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.

173.I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.

174. I will not create a betting pool that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.

Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.

176. Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.

Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".

178.I will not play the Imperial March theme for Professor Snape.

, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.

181.I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.

182.I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.

183.I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.

184.I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.

's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says All the good looking ones die young with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.

186.I will not yell "Hey look it's Lord Voldemort!" at Hogsmeade

187.I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that bad, bad nightmare about Harry

188. I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall

189.I will not to go to the slytherin quarters and make changes so it looks pink.

190. I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.

191.I will not tye-dye all of the owls.

192.I will not shave Mrs. Norris.

193. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.

194. Skiving Snackboxes are not a suitable gift for first-years.

195. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

196. I will not ask Ginny how to properly strangle a chicken.

197. Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will cease going after the prefects with a sword.

198.I will not refer to Umbridge as Queen of the Toads, even if she really is.

199. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.

200. The Giant Squid has never made an appearance in any hentai film.

201. It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".

202. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.

203. I am no longer allowed in the student laundry.

204.-Or the teacher laundry.

205. Nor am I allowed to ever cast an Invisibility charm again.

206. While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet, which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.

207.I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.

208. -Even if I brought enough for everyone.

209. -Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behaviour.

210. Peeves may not countermand any of my professors' or prefects' orders.

211. No matter what Professor Umbridge may tell me to the contrary, I am not authorized to form press gangs.

212. Chemistry and Potions don't mix.

213. -Testing this last is not funny.

214. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.

215. May not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.

216. I may not speak Latin in front of the books.

217. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

218. May not insinuate that all beautiful American exchange students to Gryffindor or Slytherin House in Harry Potter's Year are Lockhart's misbegotten heirs, even if it's true.

219. I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady MacBeth.

220. -Neither is The Fat Lady.

221. When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent.

222. -Especially if I can't.

223. If someone's House Badge is green and mine is purple, it means they are in Slytherin House. It does not mean "The Sorting Hat thinks they're dumber than me."

224. Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums".

225. -Neither does he respond favourably to "Sev", "Snapey-Poo" or "Debbie".

Elf stew is not on the Hogwarts menu, neither is Niffler Curry, so I should stop asking

ghosts do not regularly "slime" anyone.

228. Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

229. There is no "open-mike night" at Hogwarts.

230. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.

231. There is no bring a muggle to school day.

232. And I should stop insisting there is.

233. I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever coughed up a hairball.

234. I must not spread rumors that Lucius Malfoy is, was, or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as "Dobby's Homeboys."

235. The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.

236.I will not refer to any Death Eaters as "Trixie.

237. -Even if it is a legitimate nickname.

235. I will not tell the Muggleborn first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.

236. I must not start a "Vetinari for Minister of Magic" campaign.

237. I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.

238. I should not tell anyone that Dean Thomas's nickname is John.

239. I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of "intelligent design.

240.I will not refer to Professor Lupin as a nice doggy.

241. I will not ask Professor Sprout where the Jolly Green Giant is.

242.I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

243.I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.

244.I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".

245.I will not die the Death Eaters robes pink.

246. Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate. It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either.

247.I will never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas.

248. -Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger.

first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the whomping willow is highly frowned at.

250. Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.

251. Sneaking slugs into Ron's food is not funny. He does not like being reminded of his incident.

252. Trying to out-argue a Slytherin will lead to no good.

253. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

254.I should not encourage the house-elves to unionize

allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.

256. -Not allowed to use silencing charms my Prefects.

257. -Not allowed to use silencing charms, period.

Hooch's name is just that, a name. Will not ask her to share.

259. -Also will not ask her to fly under the influence.

260. Will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in herbology class.

261. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.

262.I am not allowed to charm the words Ferret Boy onto Dracos forehead

263Singing 99 Bottles of Potion on the wall non-stop repeatedly will result in a detention.

264. Playgirl and Playboy are not on the reading list for muggle studies.

265. Woad and other camoflage/body paints are not needed for DADA.

266. I may not challenge prefects to meet me on the Quidditch field, at dawn.

267. I shouldn't throw Fanged-Frisbees in the Great Hall.


End file.
